DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IN NIGERIA: Sumayyah’s Story and the Thousands Like Her

Sumayyah is a thirty-year-old Muslim woman.  She is beautiful, kind, hardworking, religious,  and a Yoruba woman from Ondo state who grew up and lives in Lagos. 

While studying in Lagos for her BSc, she began training as a tailor so she could become a fashion designer after graduation. She comes from a small family of four: her mother, father, and a younger sibling.

 

Her husband, Alli Mubarak, is a forty-year-old civil engineer, also a Muslim, and a Nigerian.  According to Sumayyah’s friends and former roommates, he was also known to be kind, religious, generous, caring, and patient before marriage. He was attentive to her, bought her gifts, and even provided for many of her needs while she was still in school. 

 

Sumayyah married Alli at the age of twenty-four, a year after they met through his best friend,  who has a shop in the same complex where Sumayyah’s mother used to sell drinks. Their courtship lasted only for a few months until they introduced both families and got married one year later. By the time they wed, she had finished her BSc but was still building on her fashion design skills. Alli agreed to support her career.  He even bought her the equipment she needed and took care of household expenses.  But early on, she noticed her husband was not  “homey” – she felt she was walking on eggshells in her own house. 

 

After a year of marriage, she graduated from her training and became a certified fashion designer, sewing from home and rarely going out. But her husband was emotionally absent. She begged him for his attention, even just a conversation, but he rarely stayed home, and when he did, he spent his time on the phone with friends, ex-girlfriends, or kept to himself as if his wife did not exist. He complained about everything she did and gave no care or affection.

 

Sumayyah had entered the marriage as a virgin and in good health. She became pregnant soon after her training and gave birth to a son. She believed motherhood would bring her and her husband closer. She tried harder to please him, doing everything he liked, even if it meant neglecting herself. She served his parents wholeheartedly, even more than her own, but nothing changed. Instead, matters grew worse after the birth of their second child. Alli began neglecting financial responsibilities. He delayed school fees, left household needs unmet, and forced Sumayyah to cover expenses. It was not due to a lack of money; he simply did not prioritise his family. He preferred to project wealth publicly rather than meet his children’s needs. He stopped buying Sumayyah clothes or giving her money for upkeep entirely.

 

To cope, Sumayyah poured herself into her sewing.  Friends came to visit her, offering company and support. But Alli soon forbade these visits. He saw her friends not as support but as a “threat” to the marriage. In truth, he did not want her to share the reality of their home life. He treated his wife like an enemy, speaking to her only when he wanted help or intimacy. 

 

For five long years, Sumayyah kept this pain to herself. When she finally found the courage to speak, her situation was made worse by the absence of her late parents. Relatives advised her to endure and to pray because divorce was not an option. When her family met with Alli and asked him what his wife had done wrong to him, he admitted she had done nothing.  He promised to turn a new leaf, even apologised to his wife.  But weeks later, he returned to his old ways.

 

She sought help from his friends and family. They all commended her efforts and encouraged him to do better, but nothing changed. Alli insisted he was simply “being a real man.” Meanwhile, his wife grew increasingly sad, tired, and trapped in a marriage that drained her spirit. 

 

As a young woman, this topic feels especially close to me because since I was a child, I’ve known more than two women dealing with domestic violence but I couldn’t help them. Something in me wanted to make it stop and even though I might still not be able to stop it, I will not stop raising awareness about it to help those involved in any little way I can.

 

Domestic Violence in Nigeria

Sumayyah’s story is not unique. Domestic violence is widespread across Nigeria.

 

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological. It can involve intimidation, threats, manipulation, humiliation, isolation, or bodily harm.  Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships, including couples who are dating, married, or living together.

 

Domestic Violence Against Women in Nigeria is a prevalent issue that affects individuals across various parts of the country. Statistics show that:

– 30% of women aged 15-49 have experienced physical violence, while 68% have encountered emotional, economic, or sexual abuse.

– 31% of women aged 15-49 have experienced physical violence, and 9% have experienced sexual violence.

– Approximately 1 in 3 women suffers domestic violence and intimate partner violence.

 

Recognizing Abuse

Look over the following questions to think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner.

Does your partner embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

Do they put down your accomplishments?

Do they make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

Do they tell you that you are nothing without them?

Do they treat you roughly—grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

Do they blame you for how they feel or act?

Do they make you feel like there is “no way out” of the relationship?

Do they prevent you from doing things you like?

 

Do you…

Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?

Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behaviour?

Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.

Does not trust you and acts in a jealous or possessive manner.

Tries to isolate you from family or friends.

Monitors where you go, whom you call and with whom you spend your time.

Does not want you to work.

Controls finances or refuses to share money.

Punishes you by withholding affection.

Expects you to ask permission.

Threatens to hurt you, the children or your family.

Humiliates you in any way.

 

If any of these things are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help, the abuse will continue.

Women like Sumayyah deserve more than endurance; they deserve safety, dignity, and peace. Families who advise silence or “patience” often underestimate the toll of abuse. Staying in a violent or emotionally destructive marriage can destroy mental health and, in some cases, even cost lives.

Professional help is crucial. Some men may change with counseling and intervention. But when abuse is deliberate and ongoing, leaving may be the only safe option. No one should sacrifice their well-being for the sake of “saving” a marriage.

 

Help is available:

– *Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA)*: Offers comprehensive services, including legal, medical, and counseling support.

– *Women Advocates Research and Documentation Centre (WARDC)*: Provides pro bono legal services and operates a 24-hour helpline for immediate assistance (+2348180056401, +2348055951858).

– *Women Aid Collective (WACOL)*: A non-governmental organization working to create a society free from violence and abuse.

– *Women At Risk International Foundation (WARIF)*: Offers training, research, advocacy, shelter, free legal and financial aid, and conflict resolution services.

– *Safe Haven Foundation*: Provides support and temporary shelter to victims of domestic violence and their children e.t.c.